Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

finally found a reasonable question

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

Siri: Retweet me.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

You can’t make this shit up 😩

(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.