I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
oh she’s cooked
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY