I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.