I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Butt weight. There’s more!
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
wtf is a larm clock?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.