I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Found the job I’m suited for
