I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Attacked by a mop.
This fish is cracking me up
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
the best thing i’ve ever made
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Today’s tshirt
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o