Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.