I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP