I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
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I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
getting seasonal up in here
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”