my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
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[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
They say women only use 10% of their anger