Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

Are we there yet?…

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*