I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
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Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
wow
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.