I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Fries, not lies.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way