I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
wow he looks just like him
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me trying to “trust the process”