I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
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[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
October 31
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
me when I see my crush
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?