Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit

Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.