Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.