Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

#MeanwhileInCanada

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Chicago sounds lovely.