I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
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Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
