Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

good for her

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

🤣

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator