I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

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Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….


Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.


Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.


I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again


Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.


Vodka bottles should come printed with a crisis hotline number to call in the event you feel like texting your ex


The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.


POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”


*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?


Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso