I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again