I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
couldn’t resist
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.