“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!