Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today

Hmmmmm

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part