“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.