I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
had to make it
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice