I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET