Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

October already? What’s next? November????

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone