I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in