I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Breaking news:
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968