Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs