Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Incredible customer service.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

Wife: You put the wrong date on this.

Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.

Wife: You wrote 1992.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.