I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
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“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
