I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.