I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
normalize having existential bread
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I am all good here, 😂😉
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[times square new year’s eve 30 mins before midnight] we should leave now and beat the crowd
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet