Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Just grow your own