Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

I feel it

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.