Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.

it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein