I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
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What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*