I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal