Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

I stand by it

i think both sides are to blame here

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why