I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.