I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt