I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help