I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
“Your r茅sum茅 says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i鈥檒l take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it鈥檚 both
angel: you鈥檙e on
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”馃檲
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I caught a wild peeve, but it鈥檚 always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”