I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I’m an avid indoorsman.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Welcome to the stomach
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.