I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
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Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.