I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.