I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
![]()
You Might Also Like
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition