I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Hotels are back
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Just had my nails done!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.