I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.