Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup