Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

😂

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.