I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?