Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

I ain’t wearing no wire

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Cats (2019)

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.