I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.