I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I’m calling the cops.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.