“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Real 😅
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff