Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark