“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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Sell your car
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you