“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.