Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.