I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.