Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.