I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Frog purse.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no