I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.