Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this