I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
cry laughing at this shit
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.