Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.