I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
somebody come look at this
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Go hard or stay average
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.