I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
why does this building look like a guilty dog
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Fight
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing