I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
God has abandoned us.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat