Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Sticker placement is key.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?