Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

When you’re Kinky but poor

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?